It's strange that this morning I was just thinking about that line. I kept wondering how that would be possible. If you had good intentions then shouldn't you be doing the right things? If your aim was true, shouldn't you hit your mark? But today, I saw how someone could do the wrong things, even if they had good intentions.
I've had a lot of things going on in my life the last month. Mostly dealing with work, (or lack there-of) things going on in various relationships, ex-relationships and other personal things. Things that you, my loyal readers would know of. And they've really been getting to me. So much that I started to write this blog so I could express some of my emotions.
I've felt alone. Really alone the past month or so because I feel I don't have anyone to share these emotions with. Well, I know I do. I know I have people in my life that I can open up to and express myself but in my mind, I feel that I've been doing that a lot. There have been things said to me these past few months that have stuck to me. Really struck me and while I'm normally the person always telling someone that they need to let go of that hurt and pain, and use it push forward, here I am letting it hold me back.
The other week, I had some issues come up. I wanted it to be a great day. It was a Friday and things were looking good. But as soon as I got out of bed, it went down hill fast. And it wasn't anything big. It was all just small, minor things that made this huge mess of a mountain. A mountain that kept me from moving forward. I tried to contain the situation as I had some friends over and another friend I hadn't seen in some time coming over.
My friends knew that something was wrong but I kept them at bay. And that is where I did the wrong thing for the right reason. I wanted to keep them away not because I didn't trust them. But because I didn't want them to have to always see me as the guy with the issues. I know how I am with people who's life always seems like there is drama. That they are never happy and the like. And I didn't want to be that person. I don't want to have my friends look at me as 'that' guy. I wanted to be the guy who's happy and we all get to hang out and have fun.
In doing so, I pushed people away. Along with previous actions that I did, it caused a rift between myself and a really good friend of mine. In trying to cause LESS drama, I added to it. And that's exactly what I didn't want to do. But I didn't know it at the time. I thought I had been doing the right thing and went on my merry way.
Here is what I think is funny. (well, maybe not that funny) The issues I was having that Friday was about holding things in because you think you are doing the right thing at that moment, leads to negative consequences. So I had experience this before, but for some reason I didn't apply that to this situation.
Fast forward a week. After attempting to make contact with my friend, I decided to speak to him. That is when I found out about everything, and how my actions, while done with good intentions were viewed by him. I understood where he was coming from and, with any luck we will be able to resume our friendship.
I'm not sure if this is anyone's "fault" but more of just miscommunication on both sides. Had I known how my actions were being taken as, I would have changed them. And had I shared the reason why I wasn't talking about what was going on, things wouldn't have been misunderstood.
I feel bad about what happened. I think perhaps I've been doing these actions more often then I know. I tell people who are close to me that when I do something that they take offense to, to please catch me. Because I hate to hurt anyone. That's normally not my intention (and when it is, I normally fail) and knowing that I /did/ hurt someone makes me feel really bad.
One day, I hope to save the day.
See You Space Cowboy...
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